February - Backtracking

Waiting for the News

After surgery I had to wait for the news on the biopsy. We were expecting cancer but hoping for something less severe. I was actually anticipating the worse. As Dr Terebelo told me the news a deep sadness rested on me. He tried to be hopeful but made sure that I knew that this was an aggressive cancer.

Kubler-Ross talks about the 5 stages of grief. I have found that those 5 stages relate to anyone encountering a crises-denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think that I was in denial during the fall. The signs of a relapse were evident at the time of my first hospitalization--night sweats. I skipped anger and bargaining. I have been angry at God for other things but never the cancer. I recognize that there is no way you can bargain with God. He holds all the chips. So I jumped immediately into depression. After wallowing around for a few days I had to face reality.

Being a preacher has often forced me to address situation in my own life from the pulpit. (Hopefully without the congregation knowing that I was preaching to me not to them.) This was one of those times. Knowing that I had to stand up on Sunday morning and bring a message of hope to the congregation was very helpful.

The sermon was on the Transfiguration. It was more theological than experiential. It was not about me and my cancer but about the revelation of Jesus Christ. That gospel is a story that is not the creation of human myth and legend. It is a reality upon which gives me strength and hope as I walk through treatment. Those were my thoughts going through treatment. (I'll post the sermon latter. I would enjoy reading your comments about it.)

The reminder lifted my spirits and slowly the depression eroded. As the time for treat approached I noticed a change in my attitude. I am going to participate in the fight. I am going to place my trust in the power of God to heal, transform and resurrect.  I started nurturing a positive outlook that God still has things for me to do for is kingdom on this earth, and if not than to die is gain. (Philippians 1:21)